Aberrance
by ThatRosieSparkle
Summary: This is the first time L has ever been conflicted over a case, and it confuses him in a way that can’t be solved with percentages or logistics. Light/L


**Uhh, yeah. I used to like this a lot, until my brain over analysed it and killed it for me. Then I didn't post it for a while. Now I am. Enjoy!**

Aberrance

"Thank you, Watari," you mumble into your hand, staring hard at the blinking cursor in front of you. The page is blank, the margins set, the keyboard connected, but the words don't come. You gnaw impatiently at a thumbnail, eyes wide, and attempt to focus, but your brain feels a little fuzzy at the edges, and your thoughts a bit distorted, like hot air rippling above hot sand.

You flex your fingers and shake your wrist to try and rid it of cramp, and the chain previously hanging slack over the arm of your chair pulls taught, disturbing the man – no, the _boy_ – beside you. His hand is jerked to his left, and his shoulders hunch in irritation as he shakes his fringe out of his eyes and glowers at you, yanking back at the chain and continuing to type.

Choosing to seize this as a welcome distraction from the monotony of your day, you swivel round in your chair. "That was a most irritated look Light-kun just gave me," you probe, "perhaps Light-kun needs some rest?"

The boy sighs and pushes his chair away from the desk. "No, Ryuuzaki, I'm fine," he assures you, belied by the watering of his bloodshot eyes as he stifles a yawn.

"Perhaps merely a break, then, Light-kun?" you suggest, more because you've just recognised the box of cake set down beside you by Watari than for any other reason. Although, perhaps you're just trying to ignore the fact that your screen is still conspicuously blank - distracted as you are tonight.

As Light stands up and stretches his arms out behind him, you resume the chewing upon your thumb. His sweater rides up a little over his stomach, face screwed up slightly with another yawn as he arches his back, spine twisting. You watch absent-mindedly, and start envisaging the tendons in his shoulders, contorted and strained away from their usual textbook alignments. Given the angle of his arm and the applied force of his stretch, and taking into account his natural suppleness, you roughly calculate that there's a 0.03% chance Light could dislocate his shoulder if disturbed in his current position. For a brief moment, you contemplate the best way in which to tackle him that would maximise his impact upon the coffee table and place his arm under the most strain whilst minimising potential risk to yourself, and decide that, as he's already begun to relax, you've missed your opportunity to break him for today.

Light begins to stroll towards the kitchen, and stumbles as the chain between him and you is pulled taut again. "Ryuuzaki…?" he prompts, and you slip out of your chair to follow him. He begins to make coffee, conversationally asking if you would like a cup as well, and you nod. As he waits for the water to boil – just standing and existing for a couple of minutes, passing the time -, you begin to wonder if you really _do_ still believe Light to be Kira. He's so… ordinary.

No, he's not. He's extraordinarily intelligent, extraordinarily mature, extraordinarily good-looking, extraordinarily self-assured, but he's so _everyday_; such an integral part of your everyday life, now, it's hard to imagine him as anything but himself. With him here, in the flesh, and Kira still some far-off, elusive name, it's hard to convince yourself that the two are one and the same.

Which they are. You know they are, you just don't want to admit it. This is the first time you've ever been conflicted over a case, and it confuses you in a way that can't be solved with percentages or logistics.

"…Ryuuzaki?"

A cuffed hand is being waggled in your peripheral vision, and you see Light standing in the doorway with a tray, attempting to leave the kitchen. You clink towards him, letting the chain drop to the floor, and hold the door open as you both return to the work room. Light sets the tray down, then reaches behind him to retrieve your box of cakes, handing them to you with a small grin.

"Thank you, Light-kun," you say brightly, peering inside the box to try and decide which cake you're going to eat first. Deciding upon a strawberry tart, you take a small plate and dessert fork from Light's tray and begin to eat.

Light leans forward in his chair and looks up at you from beneath a swathe of hair. "Ryuuzaki?" he begins awkwardly, floundering for a moment before making a face and continuing, "Do we really have to wear these _all_ the time?" He wiggles his wrist and elicits a jangle from the chain between you.

"Of course, Light-kun. You agreed to stay under twenty-four hour surveillance – any time you spend not attached to me is time in which you could be performing Kira's duties." You stare, unblinkingly, at him as he taps his foot a few times, agitated. "Why do you ask, Light-kun?"

He glares at you for the second time tonight as his cheeks colour slightly. "I would like to see Misa," he states, looking you straight in the eye.

A twinge of something pulls at your stomach – territoriality, perhaps? Or jealousy? – and you pretend not to understand. "But Light-kun can see Amane-san anytime, under my supervision."

Light's cheeks flush a bit pinker. "Yes, but, Ryuuzaki, I would like to see her _alone_." His eyes widen pointedly at you, and you suck thoughtfully at the prongs of your fork.

"Ah!" You feign comprehension, then ask bluntly, "Is Light-kun feeling sexually frustrated?"

Light makes an indignant noise and blushes profusely. "Why are you always so goddamn blasé about these things, Ryuuzaki?" he hisses.

You reach for an éclair and reply, "If Light-kun is referring to the time I saw him masturb- "

"Ryuuzaki!" Light looks mortified, and a small part of you congratulates itself for embarrassing the teen.

"There is no need to be embarrassed, Light-kun," you continue, "It is only natural, after all." As you take a mouthful of whipped cream, you see out of the corner of your eye Light muttering under his breath and looking murderous. "Pardon?" you prompt, and Light yet again shoots a glare at you.

Gritting his teeth, he grinds out, "I was just wondering, then, if it's 'only natural', why _you_ don't appear to crave anything other than cake."

Your eyes widen – if possible – even more, and you don't say anything in response just yet. He smirks, and it looks oddly good on him.

"Does Light-kun think, then, that I should put my own satisfaction before the solving of this case? Does Light-kun think that I do not have other, more pressing, priorities?" You snap a little at the teen for making you think about such things; for pushing to light your craving for _him_.

Light looks suitably apologetic, and begins to play with the cuff around his wrist. You continue to eat your éclair, brooding. There's no doubt about it: the boy is handsome, and you are intrigued. Not only that, but his _mind_, too. You've never before met anyone who could match your speed of thinking so closely, even reach some conclusions before you have. You find him fascinating.

This isn't just a physical attraction, this is a fascination. You want to study him, find out more; put him in new situations and gauge his responses; document him, record him. How would Light react when given a gun? Who would Light call when he was stranded? What would Light look like when he came?

You want to learn more about this extraordinary boy, and that is the only reason why – when he sighs and lets the cuff around his wrist fall slack again – you put down your plate with a clatter, kneel one leg against the edge of the coffee table and roughly kiss him. He is yours – to watch, to work with, to learn from. You don't want him to sleep with Misa in the same way you don't want Matsuda to wear your clothes.

As you lean back – to gauge his response – he furrows his eyebrows at you and lets his mouth hang open a little in quiet surprise. It is you who is surprised, however, when he stands up, stretches an arm out to catch you around the back of your neck and kisses you again.

Light's lips are fuller than they appear at a glance, and his chin is rougher than you would have thought. You unfurl out of your chair so that your back is arched as he leans over you, your arm braced for support against the back cushion. Light's foot nudges his un-drunk coffee onto the floor, and its crash interrupts you both.

Cursing under his breath, Light turns away from you, picking at shards of ceramic and dropping them onto the tray. You straighten up and pick your way over the rug to help, but he bats your hand away.

When he's finished, you both traipse to the kitchen to dispose of the broken cup, and Light doesn't look at you. "You were right, Ryuuzaki, I am tired," he claims, "I'm going to bed."

You follow.

In your shared room, you both undress in nervous silence. Your brain is whirring: Light, Light, Light, Light. You've already remembered and filed away that Light closes his eyes when he kisses, and that he tilted his head to the left, not the right like you expected him to, and now you're hungry for more information.

Once Light is lying on one side of your bed, resolutely facing the wall, arms crossed, you clamber onto the other side of the double mattress and sit against the headboard.

"Do you still wish to see Amane-san, Light-kun?" you enquire.

"Be quiet, Ryuuzaki," replies Light, and you pause.

"Do you love Amane-san?"

"Go to sleep, Ryuuzaki," comes the irritated response.

"Do you even _like_ Amane-san?" you ask, regardless of any feet you might be treading on. Light says nothing, and you can read nothing from the bare back that is facing you. "I only ask, because it seems to me that you see her as a nuisance, and it would be cruel to Amane-san for you to sleep with her if you aren't romantically interested -"

"Shut _up_, Ryuuzaki!" Light has sat up and is twisted to look at you with incredulous eyes. "It is none of your business how I handle my relationship with Misa! So _what_ if I don't actually like her that much? _She _likes _me_!" Light's body language is telling you that he's angry and sure of himself, but there is something in his eyes that makes you think otherwise. He continues, quieter this time: "Surely if I sleep with her, it will only make her happy?"

You put a thumb to your lips and tilt your head in disagreement. "Yes, Light-kun, it may make her happy for now to think that you care about her enough to make love to her, but surely at some point she will realise that you are merely using her to satisfy your own needs?" Light's face falls into a sulky frown, and you feel a pang of guilt pull at the back of your mind.

Surely you have probed enough? Surely you have learnt enough, for tonight at least? But, by now, you're not merely observing and recording anymore, are you? You're in this for yourself, now. And so you dare yourself to probe that little bit more. "Furthermore, Light-kun, wouldn't it be better for _you_ to have a relationship with someone for whom you at least felt an attraction, maybe even loved?" You gnaw at the skin next to your thumbnail.

Light looks sadly at his knees, then frowns again, looking frustrated. He mutters under his breath and kicks at the sheets, and you catch the words, "wouldn't understand."

Oh but you do.

You want to reach out and touch Light's shoulder, and hope that he gets the hint, but even he wouldn't be able to work backwards through all of your twisted logic to see what you mean. _Are you attracted to _me_?_ You'll have to try harder than that.

"I have heard, Light-kun," you begin, cautiously, "that relationships where both parties are equally attracted to one another are the most successful." He shakes his head slowly and puffs out a small laugh as if to say, _Oh, really?_ "Perhaps Light-kun should find someone to whom he is attracted, and see if they reciprocate his feelings?"

Light remains resolutely turned away from you, and your expectant jack-hammer heartbeats slow painfully suddenly. This is where your probing has got you – nowhere.

"Ryuuzaki?" Light is still staring at his knees.

You bite your lip and answer, "Yes, Light-kun?"

Finally turning to look at you, Light starts, "Are you- Do you- ?" then puts his hand down upon the mattress and pushes himself forward to kiss you, again.

You meet in a flurry of hot breath and frustration, and it is all over before it's begun. Light hovers inches from your face and looks down, awkward, but does not move. You lift his chin with two meticulous fingers and kiss him lightly on his lips. His response is to push into you with his body and shuffle up the bed, allowing himself to be nudged onto his side.

Facing each other, you continue to kiss. Light's left hand is twisted behind his back as he lies on top of the chain, and you are forced to bury only one hand into his hair while the other remains trapped against his chest. A small noise from Light makes you pull away to exhale sharply, and Light begins to squirm so as to release you both from the tangled chain.

With your right hand now free, you slip your fingers under the hem of Light's top, ruckling the fabric up around his ribs as you splay them across his breastbone. He shivers as the cuff drags over his skin, and you shiver when you feel fingers upon your cheek. Light hooks them behind your jaw and angles your face more towards him, continuing the kiss.

At last you turn your head to the side and leave Light's lips behind, both of you breathing heavily. Somehow, your hand has moved out of Light's hair and into the waistband of his tailored trousers, and his left arm has snaked around your waist, fingertips pulling gently at the taut skin beneath your navel. You consider making an effort to extrapolate yourself from this jumble of limbs, and murmur, "No, no, no, no – Light-kun is Kira," over and over.

Light scrapes his teeth against your neck and hisses into your ear, "I am not." As if to prove his point, he unwinds his arm from around you and grabs your uncuffed wrist, pulling you over him. You kneel on all fours looking down at him, one hand still splayed on his chest, keeping him beneath you. This is what you've wanted, you realise; this is what you've been angling for all evening, and, now you have it, you're not quite sure what to do with it.

"Light-kun, I…" You trail off, at a loss for words. You've never had to ask for help before – you're not sure how to go about it.

Light's eyes are clamped shut, and he thumps his head back against the pillow. "Just… go with it, Ryuuzaki," he mumbles. You look him up and down, double-taking when you see that he has his hand down his pants; neck straining, chin jutting towards you.

You watch, straddling Light as he gets himself off, and try to kick your brain into gear. _Do something._ The only sounds in the bedroom are coming from Light, and the faint, sordid creaking the mattress makes as he rocks into his hand. When you finally fumble your own hand down to Light's crotch, his eyes fly open and stare at you, pupils thoroughly dilated. "Ryuuzaki?" he pants, and you nod, looking him straight in the eye as you take hold of him and begin to move your hand up and down rhythmically.

Light wriggles and squirms as you continue to touch him, little groans and huffs escaping him intermittently. You go to say something, tell him that you have no idea what you're doing, but you get as far as the first letter of his name before you find yourself licking his jaw instead. It tastes a little of aftershave, and you wrinkle your nose briefly before prying his lips open with your tongue and giving up on speech altogether.

As you kiss the boy beneath you, fingers still working on his cock, you feel a hand tug at one of your belt-loops. Light clumsily pulls your jeans halfway down your thighs with one hand, yanking at your boxers with the other, until you are free and his fingers have set to work on the erection you didn't even know you had.

And, damn, does it feel good.

Whining loudly, you forget about what you're supposed to be doing to Light as he continues to pull at you. You sink from all fours onto him, the limbs holding you above him giving way, and you end up with your hands sandwiched between your stomachs, face mashed into Light's shoulder.

Pushing you onto your side, Light resumes touching himself, keeping you both panting and sweaty. It's all you can do to grip Light's arm and force open your eyes to see him so close. With a moan, you stretch your neck forwards to kiss at Light's mouth, and he responds by dumbly moving his lips to, "Ryuuzaki, Ryuuzaki, Ryuuzaki." He is lost, and you register him saying your name, your name, _your _name, and feel a painfully good heat in the pit of your stomach unfurl.

You let out a stream of half-words and murmurs, a disjointed, "Light-kun," and a shaky sigh that leaves you weak and trembling. Beside you, you feel Light jerk, and a sticky warmth seep into the cotton of your boxers. Light's hands flop between you both and you shudder, still overly sensitive and loving it. Blearily, you think what a monumental mistake you have just made, and how on earth are you going to reconcile this boy as both your lover and your suspect?

As you lie there, eyes drooping shut and arms itching to wind themselves around the boy next to you, you realise how devastatingly lonely your life is. Or, at least, had been. When was the last time you'd been held? You have no idea. Not that it had ever bothered you, you think, but maybe this was better. Yes, you think, this is better. In a selfish and twisted way, this is better. For you, at least. For the world? Probably not. The world's number one hope of pinning down and persecuting Kira has probably just slept with him.

Probabilities and statistics and, "WRONG, WRONG, WRONG," scream through your subconscious, and you feel guilt like never before. Struggling your eyes open, you stare worryingly at Light as he breathes deeply through an orgasm-induced half-slumber. Maybe, you think to yourself, you can change him? Maybe, if he is Kira, you can somehow persuade him to just stop; to abandon his pre-defined definitions of right and wrong, of justice and evil, like you appear to have, and just… stop it.

Unlikely.

Perhaps it's post-sex hysteria, or Light's beginning to rub off on you, but the last thing you think to yourself before you fall asleep with your limbs draped over him is that, even if you're miraculously wrong about Kira, or this whole investigation ploughs into the ground because of your sudden and unexpected emotional involvement, at least you were right about one thing from the start: Light is, evidently, as gay as your first impression of him told you he was.

**Fin.**


End file.
